10 Years.

Ten years ago today my family's lives changed forever. We lost the man most dear to us...father to us three kids and a loving husband to my sweet Mama. Somedays it feels like it's been so long and others I can still remember and feel that overwhelming feeling of loss. Each of one us (brother, sister, and Mom) handled and dealt with our grief in our own way. Everyone does. I felt like I dealt with mine the way I should and in a healthy way. I still cry over my Dad's death and miss him dearly. I think right now in my life not having him here is the hardest. I wish I could have had an "adult" relationship with my Dad....I had only just turned 17 when he passed. I wish he could have met Justin. And of course he would have been thrilled to have two grandsons! I grieve now not only for myself, but my children, who unfortunately will never know him personally on this earth. But I as look over these last 10 years I am so thankful for God's grace and love towards me. I know my life could have been so different had I gave into my overwhelming grief and not relied on Him and Him alone for strength. There is no other way I would have made it through. He has blessed our family despite our terrible loss. 

I thought I would write more today, but instead I wanted others to hear from my Mama. She has such a wonderful way with words. I tell her she should write a book! I watched my mom grieve through those early days after my Dad died and it was terrible. I would have done anything to take it away. I grief for her too. Now, that I am married, I can't even imagine having to deal with that kind of loss. So, here are her words. I hope they will be a comfort to someone who has dealt or is dealing with a loss...I know for me I liked reading or talking to someone who understood exactly how I felt. 

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My daughter, Laura, asked me to be her guest blogger today.  The reason is not a happy one, for this day marks the 10^th anniversary of the death of her father and my husband Mike Henderson.   I first started writing this blog as if I was speaking for all of us (my three children and me) and then I realized I couldn’t speak for all of us, only me.  I know my children have grieved differently from me and even from one another although they experienced the same loss.  They have tried to protect me from their pain and I’ve tried to do the same for them.  Grief is such a personal journey.  Although there are many similarities in each journey, they can be as unique and different as each person.  So, I will only speak for myself today.

September 26, 2003. 9:14 pm. UAMS. Death came. Lives changed forever. We traveled the three hour trip home from the hospital in the back seat of our dear friends’ vehicle.  All four of us, side by side holding on to one another in silent disbelief.  As I stared blankly out of the car window, the same thought rolled over and over in my mind, “This is the worst day of my life.”   And even now, ten years later, this day still brings back that same feeling of helplessness and despair.  Images and sounds engraved in my mind forever. The heartbreaking sound of my baby daughter crying out, “Daddy, Daddy” as she fell on her daddy lying in the hospital bed.  My sweet Laura lying with her head in my lap as we listened to her daddy’s labored breathing during his last few hours.  Waking up to the sound of my son as he lay weeping on my bedroom floor that first night without his daddy.   Lying face down on my closet floor day after day begging God to let me see him one more time knowing He would not answer my prayer.  We went into the cancer journey with Mike Henderson expecting the best yet experiencing the worst.

Today, I still don’t have any answers.  I still don’t know the purpose of Mike’s death other than he was one of the favored ones for he received his reward early.  I still haven’t figured out my purpose now that he is gone other than the same one given to all believers which is to further the kingdom of God.  And just like in the beginning of this journey, I often feel disconnected, lost and floundering. Even though I have healed, I still hurt. There is a hole.  An emptiness.  A cloud.  Happy times, sad times, fun times, normal times…it’s there.  Like the proverbial white elephant in the room.  It’s just a part of who I am now.  It is not what I want for myself but I have accepted it as part of this life that I’ve been given.

Surely after ten years, I should have something profound or wise or super spiritual to say. Surely I would have learned something that would make everything right and purposeful. All I can seem to think of is that through it all I’m thankful for my salvation and for the Bible. The Bible has been my constant guide and comfort.  It is the Truth even when the truth hurts.   My salvation through Jesus Christ alone is my Hope for eternal life and keeps me looking upward.  That’s all.  

At one point in his cancer journey, Mike wrote, “It’s easy to forget that God is in control, that all that happens is filtered through His love and plan for me. I know it’s true!”  This reminds me of the child’s prayer, “God is great, God is good”.  God is great (sovereign and in control). God is good (loving and kind). Sometimes it seems the two contradict each other. How can cancer be loving and kind?  How can leaving three children without a father be a part of God’s Sovereign plan? How can a loving Father send His only Son to die for someone like me? It doesn’t make sense; yet trusting in the Truth that God is in control and He loves me is what brings the most comfort and peace. Yes, He is filtering all that happens through His love and His plan for me. How did Mike know this was true? How do I know this is true? The Bible tells me so.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is in John 6.   After a long day of listening to Jesus’ teaching, a group of followers turned away when the cost of believing in Jesus was too great, His words too offensive.  Jesus then turns to his disciples and says, “Will you go too?” Peter replies, “Where would we go? You have the words of eternal life. You are that Christ, the Son of the Living God.”  When my mind is full of questions and heartache and the tears will not stop. I think of that question Jesus asked, “Will you leave, will you go, too? Is the cost too great? ” And my response is the same as Peter’s,”Where would I go? You have eternal life, you are that Christ.”  You are great. You are good.  You are my salvation.

Ten years. September 26, 2013. Mike’s death forever changed our lives. A part of God’s sovereign plan.  But more importantly, his LIFE changed us.  A part of God’s love.  We have great memories that make us cry and laugh and praise God for the blessing of knowing and loving him.  Not a day goes by that I do not wish he was here with us and oddly at the same time I rejoice that he has received his reward early. For I know that my worst day, September 26, 2003 was Mike Henderson’s best day.  It was his heaven day. His faith became sight.  One day.. I will get to heaven and I will see Jesus, my Saviour, The Living Word of God.  One day I will be with Mike longer than I was without him. One day my worst days will be no more. One day…one glorious day.

Thanks Mama. I love you. I also loved that she talked about John 6. I love that passage. Justin actually preached on it not too long ago and I remember tearing up after hearing Peter's response to Jesus. "Where would I go?" I think of that often. There is no where else to go. Jesus is all we need.